Summer is a time for adventure. Summer is a break from the chaos of the more hectic months while being filled with spontaneity. You want to barbecue with friends? Go ahead. You want to take a day trip to the beach? Do it! Everyday is a chance for something new. Summer is bottled sunshine and joy.
Except when it isn’t.
For the last few summers, I have felt a deep loneliness. A dark, suffocating cloud that tries to remind me of all the pain and failures in my life.
I’ve lost friends, relationships, and family members all around the same time each year. Summer seems to remind me that I am broke and alone, trying to make the best out of what I have.
Solitude magnifies whatever is there at the time.
I have a lot of friends that I love dearly but most of my friends have their own lives and so many things going on that I’d hate to distract them. My family always wants to see me, but my financial situation always gets in the way. Then, the darkness from my grandmother’s Homegoing sits on my chest, making it harder for me to move. I get stuck, in my supposed lack of everything.
That’s when I realized how much I needed to work on being okay with myself. I wanted people around to validate my existence. If a person chose me to talk to or spend time with, that means I have value to someone’s life. When people weren’t around or someone left me, I would take that as a sign of my unworthiness. I am not meant to have close friends. I am just going to be alone.
Solitude is a great teacher of reflection but if didn’t realize you walked into that class, on test day, it’s going to be rough.
I sat at home wondering, why do I need to talk to somebody right now? I had an urge to fill up the silence in my life, with something else. The more time I spent reflecting, the more I realized that I filled up my free time with partying, events, and people because being truly alone scared me. When you are alone, that’s when you are forced to keep yourself company.
I started to think about my desire for relationships and how I had options and people that wanted my time, but something indescribable kept me from being content. I truly enjoyed some of these people but deep down I would go through periods of disgust, not with them, but myself. I don’t want to talk today.
I desire close friends but I’m so tired of opening myself up and then getting hurt.
When I started to connect with God, things slowly changed. I’d be happier for a longer period of time. I’d feel good waking up and going to sleep because I read my Bible or did a devotional. But, eventually that glow would fade.
As it faded, I was reminded I had to build myself up again. Refuel with the Word, and try it again. I had to constantly remind myself that I was worthy because when I didn’t, I would feel dead on the inside again.
Everyday I feel somewhat dead.
Everyday I have to revive myself with reminders of love and worth.
Everyday a dark cloud tries to form.
Everyday I push the darkness away with affirmations and prayer.
Everyday I feel down.
Everyday I feel a little stronger.
Everyday the enemy attacks.
Everyday my God keeps me safe.
I’ve struggled so much with self love because I was raised not knowing that my value is in my existence. I am loved because I am. People in my life come and go but that doesn’t change who I am. I am loved. If I am not loved by anybody else, not even myself, I am loved by God.
I am loved because of my existence. I exist because I am loved.
I remind myself of that every single day.
What have been some doubts and dark clouds that you’ve struggled with? How do you change your forecast? What brings light in your life? Please let me know in the comments below!
Turn Your Brightness Up!