The past year has been a tough one for me. I’ve had highs and lows that have sculpted me into a man who I would not have recognized months before. I did one of the best things in my life and possibly one of the most dangerous: I asked God for something.
*gasps* I know this may seem as something small but I have learned a great deal about talking and walking with the Lord at this point in my life. I learned that if you ask God for something, He will give it to you but, sometimes we don’t know what that comes with.
At the beginning of the year, I talked about my pledge to listen more. I pledged to be “The Listener”. It didn’t necessarily happen the way I expected. I struggled with quieting the noise in my head from mental health problems to hear His voice. i wanted to do too much, I didn’t know how to get there. Then right around the beginning of the year, I said, “I want to learn how to trust you more, Lord.” and boy did He answer.
For anytime to be built up, you have to be challenged some. “How much do you trust me?” God said. I battled with the question a thousand times. I ended up trusting God with my financial well-being but there were still parts of me that I held on to. Academics, social, professional, and relationships, I wanted to plan out. “I know God got me but…” is how I often felt. God said, “I’ll teach you how to trust.”
As the year progressed, I slowly lost my mind. I couldn’t write anymore. My focus was everywhere. Anxiety overwhelmed me. Depression weighed me down. Nothing went right. Politics became depressing. Relationships weren’t working. Classes were going poorly, friends were gone, and things just weren’t functioning how they should.
I became determined to head in the right direction. I went on my long and tedious medical journey, tried to sort out conflicting emotions, started therapy, became medicine, devoured my Bible, and continued taking steps, one at a time, to finding peace, praying the entire way.
The blessings came from two friends (Jami & Lumi), who both are growing Christians which have been helping me spiritually and mentally mature. I really appreciate them for their support that is still bearing fruit. I completed reading the entire Bible and now have a relatively clear vision of what I want my relationship with Him to be. At the same time, I still was overwhelmed with fear when typing. I became frozen when asked questions.
Finally, I gave everything up. I told God, I didn’t have any fight left and begged for Him to take over. Then, like magic, the pressure eased. I stopped caring where I was going to be because I was in His hands. I stopped being down about what I did in the past because life happens. In some strange way, within the past month, I have stopped living in the past with eyes on the future and became content being here, today. I gave God the reigns and now I feel lighter than ever.
I’ve learned that me wanting to control and do everything was me not trusting Him. If I truly am a child in Christ, I must be willing to accept that I no longer have to fight alone. I can make it one day at a time, as long I believe He will carry me when I no longer have the strength. Papa got me even when I don’t have myself.
Turn Your Brightness Up!
How has faith manifested in your life? What lessons have you learned in your life that you didn’t even know you had a quiz for? What are some ways you;d like to stretch yourself in the next month? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.