He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not

He told me, “So many reasons are there to love you. Your cute smile, your sweet laugh, your innocence and your kind heart makes me love you.”

The definition of love has changed dramatically over time. The expression of love has changed even greater. Stalking someone’s social media site and double tapping several of their images at once causes the receiver to reply “Thanks for the love! [Insert kissing face emoji/heart eyes].”

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Love can be shown through thousands of ways, but the ones that I value are actions, words, and silence.

Actions – Spending time with someone, helping a person out, or doing things that you know the person needs/appreciates.

Words of Affirmation/Encouragement

Silence…this one took me a long time to figure out. Sometimes when someone really loves you and they know what’s best for you, they may be a silent presence in your life. Either removing themselves for your good or like when a parent allows a child to make a mistake not so they may suffer, but because they want their child to gain life experience.

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I am blessed to be loved all over the world by friends and family. I am very aware of this and try to receive as much of it as I can when given. Especially, when it’s a plate of food! But why is it difficult to receive love from others? I asked this question to my clients during our Dance/Movement Therapy group today at the detox center. I prompted them to think about how they love themselves versus how they love those around them.

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I have someone really special in life that I met when I was 7 years old. Initially,  we started off as friends and I always had a lot of fun whenever I hung out with him. We had intellectual conversations about anything and everything. It was all fun and games until I became a teenager and he told me that he wanted to be more than just “friends” with me. I ran to my best friend panicking! I didn’t know what to tell him. I mean, I really loved and cared about him, but I liked how things were as “just friends.” I didn’t want to commit to him. He was so patient and understanding that he respected my decision. A true gentleman.

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We drifted away for a while and then got reconnected again when I was in college. He would always check-up on me and ask how things were and if he could help me study or keep me company while I finish a painting in the countless HOURS I spent in the art building. He was soooo sweet to me. Always encouraging me and telling me that I was going to pass that test or get an A on a painting. It was nice to have his companionship during difficult times. Any time, day or night I knew I could call on him. He would drop ANYTHING to be there for me.

It was amazing!! Sounds like the perfect guy right?? HE WAS…but as soon as I graduated from college and went through difficult times in life, I drifted away from him again and turned my attention to other people or things. I felt horrible about it too whenever someone would ask me about him or if I kept in contact with him. I felt guilt and shame about not being to be a genuine friend to him after all he’s done for me. We reconnected again when I moved to Florida. I was lonely and isolated from friends/family so I called him up again, but this time it was different. He told me that he was deeply in love with me. He loved everything about me from my silly jokes, crazy outfits, and my infatuation with video games. He told me he loved how I carried myself, my ambition, and my passion to help others in need. He said he’s never met anyone like me and knows that he won’t ever again. He didn’t want to lose me to anyone else again.

He said, “Your different and special in every way imaginable. I want you Christina, I want ALL of you not just bit and pieces like you give everyone else.”

My stomach DROPPED...I sat in silence.

Check back next week as I continue the rest of my love story!

-Lumi.Essence

 

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