Many people say I’m brave because of the leaps that I take in life. Leaps such as applying to the prestigious School of the Art Institute of Chicago, standing up to people in high places of power, and for moving to Florida without having any friends or family here. Yet, people don’t see the fear and doubt that boils up within me behind closed doors. Although I have been blessed with many talents and abilities, my biggest weakness is FEAR. So much fear that it causes me to become paralyzed and have spiritual panic attacks. An attack that knocks the wind out of my body and breaks me down to my core in tears. Attacks in which I simply can’t see the light or a way out.
Last Friday, I was at church for worship night. I was so excited to spend two hours moving, dancing, and having a spiritual breakthrough in my spirit. The first two songs I swayed my arms around and praised God verbally trying to align my mind, body, and soul. I could feel myself holding things
back from God that I didn’t want to face or acknowledge was happening to me. In order for me to truly worship God wholeheartedly, I have to move my body. What I have learned in the process of my Dance/Movement Therapy Certificate program in New York is that the body does not lie. Therefore, if I use my body as an instrument to express my inner feelings/thoughts to communicate with God he will see the true me and not the Christina that uses a mask when interacting others.
I know that when I move I am breaking through obstacles, doubt, and negativity therefore facing the true issues that lie within. I resisted moving during the first song at worship night because I knew that my emotions were pushing forward like water trying to break through a dam. It’s kind of like when you’re going through a tough time and you’re trying to hold it together, but then that one person asks you
God knew my emotional condition that night, but I struggled with surrendering over my fears and burdens to Him. I will be honest, I am learning to tell the
truth to people. As a Therapist, I have taken on the responsibility of taking care of my friends and family by helping them navigate through issues in their life. I have been doing it for so long that when people ask me how I’m doing, I give them a superficial answer.
I forced myself to stand up and move that night knowing that I was going to transcend to an alternate state in which I would really feel how I was doing. I take care of other people’s emotions in turn neglecting my own. I had many fears running through my head about finances, school tuition, medical bills, student loans, etc. I couldn’t see the light as to how I would get through my personal struggles. I knew that God had performed miracles in my life before, but those memories were so hard to access because of my fear.
IN ORDER TO BECOME BRAVE YOU MUST SURRENDER
In our culture, surrendering is viewed as a sign of weakness. Asking for help is too difficult because we have become prideful in our abilities. We lie to others about our current state because we want to appear as if we have it all together. I realized that I had become so skilled in pretending with my loved ones that I also began to pretend with God.
If you don’t believe in God and have a different belief system or a different Higher Power, I honor and respect that. I don’t talk about my faith to shame or convert others but rather just share my story of moving through fear and becoming brave. I challenge you to talk to someone right now about a fear or struggle you have. Be open to that person and tell them the truth wholeheartedly so that you can release the power it has over you. You deserve that.
You are worthy of someone listening and loving you inside and out
the way that God loves and accepts me.
Check out my Movement Monday YouTube video as I literally move through my fears.