When people talk about ADHD, they think about the kid that can’t sit still in class. They think about the boys that get into trouble all the time. Or the girl that can’t stop talking a mile a minute. Well, Tuesday it was confirmed that I do have ADHD Inattentive type and the best thing I can describe it as is my mind being a puppy playing in the snow.
Here are some more puppies!
Cute right? Now imagine each puppy being a representation of each thought in my mind. Occasionally, I am able to corral them together in one place to achieve a goal, but it doesn’t last for long. Especially if I manage to keep focused for a long period of time, afterward I am wiped out.
Tuesday, I had a midterm in Microeconomics and my diagnosis. I was so fatigued afterward that I mentally crashed and couldn’t make it through a three hour class. Even now, I want to lay down in the midst of writing a one page blog for my thoughts. I just want to stay focused enough to finish my goals, but I get distracted by other thoughts, conceptual questions, political philosophy, and sometimes something as simple as an article of clothing I thought about. I’m everywhere.
My doctor told me that my executive thinking skills are weaker for my intelligence level. In other words, that mental Executive Assistant that is supposed to keep me on task, time, and focused has major problems. I have problems starting, maintaining, and finishing things with focus, but once I am focused, I am effective.
That leads me to this post. I am struggling and have no clue how to progress from here. I’ve been talking with God and apparently He wants me go deeper into Him. That whole continuous prayer thing is something I’m still trying to master. I also want to learn how to do mindfulness and be present because as it stands, I am everywhere but here. I want better for myself. I want to be present.
Readers, I am struggling and I am trying my best to keep stepping forward. I appreciate the support I received from family and friends on Twitter last night. I didn’t feel alone. The transition phase that I am in now, is only temporary. I can’t remember where I heard it from, (might be Dr. Charles Stanley) but whoever it was (I’m just going to say my grandmother said it because she was amazing), she was telling me about the caterpillar and the butterfly.
We always focus on the butterfly. The beauty, the grace, and new found abilities that make it stand out from the rest of insect kind. We also talk about the caterpillar. The hunger, the insignificance, the struggle, the vulnerability. But, we rarely talk about the cocoon. The cocoon is where the caterpillar’s old form is melted away, form is shattered and rearranged, and the caterpillar is locked away in a dark, lonely, isolated, and painful place until it is ready to reemerge new. I am in a Cocoon.
Turn Your Brightness Up!
Anybody out there struggling with similar issues? Any advice for overcoming and improving focus/initiation of work? Any ideas on calming the mind? I could use all the advice I could get.