I often caught myself talking to women just for the potential sex and because they liked me. I liked the attention. I liked the confirmation that I was desired. Sometimes, I didn’t even necessarily even like them because of their bodies. Some were only on a list for the conquest, convenience, opportunity, the chase, or the entertainment that came with it. I feel bad about some women in my past that really liked me while my mind was elsewhere. I feel bad for giving some women only part of me while I kept my heart as far away as possible. I’m tired of devaluing them and I’m tired of being on the line for a temporary ego boost and fleeting satisfaction. I’m tired of giving myself away to the lowest bidder.
I can only imagine how sex has been weaponized throughout time. Even when I was looking for images to include in the post, words like chaste and celibacy had horrifying images of devices women were forced to wear to prevent sex. The male images were gruesome too but we all know the primary use of these were on women and slaves. I see very few men talking about abstinence or celibacy these days. When I mentioned it to one of the older men in my life, he looked at me and told me don’t be in a rush to give it up. The concept of sex is so ingrained in masculine culture that willingly going without is insane. I can’t help but think that if some other men would have been supportive when I was young, my mental state would have been different. I want to be different. I want to let other men know that there are two sides to sexual freedom. Sexual freedom is the choice to have sex and the choice not to.
This also means looking at myself and choosing what’s best for me. I can choose tomorrow to completely go against everything I’ve written and it’s okay. (I won’t) The most important thing is why you are taking this journey. It has to be deeper than a whim because you will need will to go against the temptations that will definitely come. God is a reason for me but it also has to do with the consequences. I’ve taken on so much weight from women in my past. The emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual burdens were numerous. The necessary considerations, stress, effort, and time obligations that come with it left me drained. All these things were stopping me from even loving myself. I wanted to give until I had little left.
I want to value myself more. I deserve to treat myself better. I deserve to truly be picky about who I give my time and energy to. Not everyone deserves me. As I am working to continuously improve myself, I refuse to accept less than top quality women that are whole and focused on improving the world. I am making my way there and I deserve the divine counterpart to the man I am building myself to be. Accept more and be more.
How has this been working for me? Decently. I’ve been actively avoiding all forms of temptation for about two months now consciously. I’ve unfollowed people on social media that dealt with a lot of sex and definitely cut down on my sources of strife. I’ve fled from situations when I am feeling weak and even changed some of the shows I watch. My mind has felt much clearer and I find I have a lot more time now. But, I am also in a weird place now where I am overwhelmed often by attention, emotions run high, and I definitely need to work out consistently to deal with certain energy. I am making it. I’m still waiting until my mind clears enough to interact with some friends again and I am very purposeful in my choices now. Overall, I am happy with my choice but have a long way to go to not think about it anymore. One day at a time.
Turn my Brightness Up!
Any celibacy stories or tips you want to share? I also saw 40 Days and 40 Nights so I don’t need too many celibacy jokes. Leave your comments in the section below.