Conversations about Sex, God, and Politics are considered taboo in many circles. I am writing this to be open about my past struggles and defining this challenge for my personal life. This is not endorsing anyone to take any action and strictly about me.
Celibacy has always been a struggle for me. Whether I am having sex or not, it’s been something I have had a tenuous relationship with at best. I define celibacy as the resistance towards lust. I was a virgin well into my adult years but still struggled with desiring sex and sexual affection from my teenage years on. Similar to Singlehood, sex was linked with my thinking for my entire adult life.
Part of this choice has to do with my relationship with God. I just don’t want to be distracted from His voice anymore. I’ve put women before my bible and my God many times. When relationships got rocky, I would focus more on them while forgetting the positive habits I was supposed to be developing with God. I didn’t pray as much or read my bible as much. I would focus on fixing the broken instead of listening. I found myself eventually hurting everyone involved as I was more into myself and ignoring His directions. I covered women that weren’t mine and ended up taking myself further away from where I was supposed to be.
I feel like lust clouds my mind. I fall down a rabbit holes of looking at women, thinking of them, and focusing too much on what they could do for me. I get caught in the future thinking about potential situations or in the past reminiscing about exes. It takes up my first thoughts when meeting new women or my last thought before going to sleep at night. It takes up too much of my energy. I get distracted trying to fill holes in myself instead of realizing what caused the hole in the first place.
What’s interesting about this new decision is that it’s spoken about a lot by women. I know it’s not an easy choice for anyone but I see more women that are virgins or proudly celibate than men. I definitely understand why. When I was a virgin, I was ashamed of that choice. My dad was giving me “the talk” since I was 12. Mother gave me a condom on Christmas because she found out I had a girlfriend at 16. My Aunt swore I got that girlfriend pregnant because I didn’t come home often enough. It didn’t make sense for me to not have been trying to have sex. They thought I was lying.
I wish I would have had someone say it is okay whatever you decide. Abstaining from sex seems like it’s equated to torture with ultimatums at the extremes. Abstain from sex or go to hell. Save it for your marriage or end up unhappy forever. If you aren’t saving it, you are out here prostituting yourself. I don’t agree with any of those viewpoints. Sex is your choice, but like everything, there are consequences. Your choice is to decide which consequences you are willing to accept. I am tired of the distractions and the cheapening feeling I have with myself afterward. I want to wrestle back control from my body to myself. I want to be comfortable as myself.
The hard part was that once I started having sex, I didn’t look back. I looked at it as a skill to be mastered. Plus, when looking at the hyper-sexuality of the black male, especially in collegiate Greek culture, sex is a sport. Women are challenges to be overcome. Failed situations and approaches are just a part of the game. The goal is always to find the next lady to “enjoy” your company. I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to constantly think about interactions in my life as means to an end. I want my mind back. I want my heart back. I want to see women for who they are, people.
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