I have been struggling with my relationship with God recently. It’s been developing and growing by leaps and bounds, but there is always a part of you that wants things to stay the same and remain comfortable. Last night, I had a tough revelation that I ignored before but am getting close to accepting now.
By high school, relationships hit you like a ton of bricks. Even though through elementary school, plenty kids had, “ya little girlfriend”s but it wasn’t until junior high onward that relationships mattered. Who was dating who? Someone did what where? And the dreaded…who are you taking to Prom?
(My prom looked nothing like theirs)
These notions of companionship and even the building of masculinity off of the pursuit of feminine affection had consumed my life at one point. I always had loneliness at the forefront of my mind. When I went out with friends, our goal was to find women. On the first day of classes, I would look around to see who’s cute. Early conversations would have probes for sexual orientation and relationship status. This is not to say I didn’t have purely platonic female friends, but it was always a thought. I always was looking for feminine energy to keep me company and make me feel at home.
I also will say I wasn’t the only one that thought like this. I didn’t always deal with sex, it just dealt with searching for someone to fill that void. Combine that with constant social activities in academia being based around alcohol, you have bad habits of socializing equaling relationship-seeking or mind-altering. I realized after many years of going through the motions. I must find a way out.
I had plenty of amazing relationships with brilliant women over the years that really helped me grow. I developed my love for God, live-concerts, and even self-confidence while with these breathtaking women. Relationships with others have helped me develop further into the man I am, but I was still living lost and in altered states.
Last year, I dealt with the loss of my grandmother, new school/direction in life, and separated from a woman who I was moments away from marrying. Even though it hurt me so, God kept pushing me forward. At the same time, I wanted a family even more. I even went through puppy fever as a way to mitigate it. The entire time, God gave me directives that I continued to ignore.
Some of them are ones I’ve struggled with for years but now started to master such as drink more water, write more, and exercise. But the more difficult ones are to stop cursing, pray more, fast, and read my bible. But even those are easy compared to be celibate and quit drinking. Without divulging my personal life, avoiding the action of isn’t the hard part. It’s committing to the pledge of completely withholding. I know I have a tendency to always put little asterisks right new to those promises.
I tell myself I’m going to give up drinking (*except on birthdays or celebrations). I tell myself I’m going to be celibate (*except if I really like this girl) then I end up married with five kids at 25 (not really). But, the point is simple. I hear God’s choice for me and try to ease into it instead of full obedience.
I have decided to not be lukewarm anymore with His requests of me. I am going to do my best to follow His directives and go where He wants me to go. I’m nervous. I know I will struggle along the way. I may even stumble, but it’s worth a try.
These are my Goals (I think I’ll write about each over the next couple weeks):
- Pray More
- Talk to God
- Write More
- Write Music Again
- Read Bible
- More Water
- Exercise Daily
- Eat Right
- Sleep More
- Fast Weekly
- No Cursing
- No Alcohol
This is not to say anyone should do any of the things I am setting out to do. This is me sharing my choice and inviting you on my journey for peace in my soul.
Are you lukewarm about anything? Any advice for any of these goals of mine? Words of encouragement? Leave them in the comments below.