I was down today. After overcoming so many barriers, I was still down on myself. I was down and doubting myself so hard, that God had to tell me himself, it’s okay. I will never shy away from my faith. My relationship with God has saved my life multiple times but this was different.
While fighting against my creative block, the rest of my professional life fell apart. My class attendance has become shaky. My manager hasn’t seen me in months and I still have assignments in the queue. You conquer one mountain to see five more.
People are worried about me. Everyone constantly says, “if there’s anything I can do, let me know.” Truthfully there is nothing they can do, it’s all on me. When you are fighting anxiety, other mental illnesses, and the struggles in your head, all people can do is offer you support until you find a way out the haze. When your worst enemy is yourself, you can’t tag anybody else in.
I am constantly at this tug-of-war with myself. I know I should be thankful because truly I am blessed. All of my needs are taken care of and I am at one of the greatest universities in the world. Eight years ago, I didn’t have a dollar to my name. I legitimately was homeless. I was hiding out from my landlords and doing whatever I could for food. It was rough. I was worn. It took God to drag me out of the abyss and remind me of who I was.
Sometimes I feel alone even with a plethora of friends. I live a constant life feeling like an imposter, not worthy of the continuous love that God gives me. He gives me so many blessings and I feel like I can’t produce something worthy of His grace and mercy. He has granted me this opportunity to go further in education than I have ever dreamt and potentially change the world but I feel like I am always coming up short.
Recently, I’ve had this Image that I am in the dark room, stumbling, trying to find my way to the exit. I’m trying to find my way to where I am supposed to be but the lights are out and I keep falling down. I feel that every time I struggle, it proves that God might have made a wrong choice. Got keeps giving me these opportunities and I squander them. That’s when God came in.
Whenever God and I talk, I always feel like my super busy father just called off work. I feel special that He’s giving me this time but also bad that He’s not dealing with more important things. But just like that little kid, I’m so happy to feel His love that it makes everything okay.
God tells me that of course you’re worthy. You’re special and I love you so much. I love you so much that I have something specifically planned for you. If you think that you’re not worthy, you’re wrong. I picked this job specifically for you and the trials that you’re going through were chosen to make you better.
If you feel like you lost as stumbling, this is just like a baby learning to walk. Occasionally, I have to let your hands go and see you take those steps without me being there. I’m still there watching but you just can’t see me. You take a couple steps, fall, try to get up, fall again, and when you can’t take anymore, I pick you up, and we could try again another day.
You may feel like you are alone darkroom but, you’re not. You are my little boy that I put a blindfold on and pushed you in the direction of the piñata. You have to keep taking those steps and when you think you finally get there, give it your best swing because I have a prize for you to share with the entire world.
Don’t feel bad that I have this chosen for you, I have something special for each of my children. I need you to trust me so others can see how far I take you. So maybe they will trust me too. I don’t need perfect from you. I need flawed and confuse and frustrated Miles to let me work my miracles so that others will do the same. That’s all I need from you. I don’t need you to be perfect, you’re already perfect for me.
God said more to me but I wanted to share that. I don’t have any real questions today. Whatever struggle you’re going through, God is still there for you. He’s waiting for you cry and call out His name like any true father would. He loves you. And that’s good enough for me.