This post today was created with inspiration from “Angles” by Mick Jenkins ft. Noname & Xavier Omar.
Side note: I completely thought the title was Angels until I started to write this post. [lol]
It’s all about angles. How we look at the world and what perspective we see from. It’s amazing because I recently realized how little we know ourselves. We spend so much time reciting statistics, facts, and analysis about everything in the world, except ourselves. For us to be in such a “selfie” generation, when was the last time you looked closely at yourself?
I spent the last six months figuring out what I like and how I function. I know when I need to go to bed to be coherent in the morning. I found the amount of food I need to eat so I don’t fall asleep after lunch. I even clock how much time with others I can stand before I go crazy.
I never took time to understand my habits and desires. I was afraid of being called selfish for thinking about myself. I was afraid of being egotistical for speaking up about my feelings and thoughts. I was so lacking in comfortability with myself that I’d rather build a persona of an ideal stranger than myself. Something had to give.
I found myself constantly exhausted. I couldn’t let my guard down by myself. I found myself spending my outside free time researching what everyone else was watching, wearing, and listening to just to feel comfortable in conversations with people I didn’t completely like. It wasn’t even that I didn’t like them, it was just that I wearing a mask so much, I couldn’t tell WHO I vibed with anymore. I didn’t even like myself.
More time passed and I ran out of gas. I didn’t have any higher quality friends. I wasn’t happier because I was more liked. I felt imposter syndrome all day, everyday. When I let down my facade, I lost all the friends I thought I built up. Eventually, all the things I hid from poured out of me. Everything I built myself up to be had to go.
There I was, worn, broken, and confused but alive. I was hurt but more complete than ever before. I was being myself first then letting everything fall where it may. It was hard but rewarding.
I learned that trying to make everyone else happy leaves you dry. I don’t want to wear masks anymore. Life is better being you.